Only God Knows the Troubles I’ve Seen

Only God Knows the Troubles I’ve Seen

September 4, 2017

Somehow, I’ve always seen the strongest image of faith embodied in an African-American older mother like Ms. Clara in the film War Room. For one, movies have helped shape that stereotype in my mind, but I’m also sure that she knows what troubles are because she bears the scars.

Too often, those are scars caused by the sins of others, carved by difficult odds, to say the least. And now that I am a mother, I understand just a little more. Fire makes us more Christlike. This is for all of you, the Ms. Claras of this world.

We Are Watching

I’ve seen you, weeping at the altar at the Brooklyn Tabernacle in New York. You prayed for me and my husband, in the hall, at Free Chapel in Atlanta. You have shared the Gospel with me, this broken inner-city kid searching for love in Montreal. Women like me are humbly inspired by your unwavering faith. Each time you didn’t give up, we were looking.

Only a woman understands the unique gender-based struggles we face. From the harassment to the discrimination, from the expectations to the invisibility and sometimes even criticism. I swear I died 397 times over since I gave birth three months ago.

The Day I Died

I did not know for the life of me that dying to self, daily, doesn’t mean only once a day. And if I didn’t know it then, I know now that dying to self is not always an act of the will. When you find yourself in the most vulnerable place you’ve ever been (childbirth in my case), and have to be your strongest because an ever so precious little life depends on you, you are pressed between a rock and a very hard place.

I will admit I have been mad at God at some point and even ignored Him. It goes without saying that I’ve been mad at the world too. Why was I not warned? Couldn’t anyone tell me how lonely it would feel? That my soul would be both crushed with despair and rejoicing fiercely over the most beautiful gift after salvation…

No Answer

Over the past three months, I’ve looked for answers and I have not found them. My critical, I-must-understand-everything mind is baffled. And here is why I am writing this post, because I don’t have the answer. I have decided, today, strong and steady, to stop looking for them. Most days, I can’t even remember the question anyway. And the enemy of my soul is having a field trip.

I just know it’s hard. What I choose to do today is to look to Christ as my one and only source. Guess I needed the reminder. I will go on and strive to lay a humble little brick along with the women who paved the way of inspiration. You mighty women of valor, have shown us that if we are pressed between a rock and a hard place, we better make sure that this rock is the Solid Rock Jesus.

“Therefore, this is what the Sovereign Lord says: Look! I am placing a foundation stone in Jerusalem, a firm and tested stone. It is a precious cornerstone that is safe to build on. Whoever believes need never be shaken.”

—Isaiah 28:16, NLT.

I will keep my head up. I will do it for me, for you, and for our daughters and our world. But for now, in the words of Tamela Mann, just take me to the King.

Read also: Love Thyself

Share your thoughts in the comments below!

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4 Comments

  • Fleurette Merveille

    Wow, wow, wow, wow!!

    September 5, 2017 at 12:33 pm Reply
    • Caroline Bellemare

      Thank you, Fleurette!!

      September 5, 2017 at 1:08 pm Reply
  • Kari

    “Why was I not warned? Couldn’t anyone tell me how lonely it would feel? That my soul would be both crushed with despair and rejoicing fiercely over the most beautiful gift after salvation…”

    Beautifully put.

    September 5, 2017 at 4:52 am Reply
    • Caroline Bellemare

      Thank you, Kari! 🙂

      September 5, 2017 at 10:29 am Reply

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